Friday, June 20, 2008

My Aching Heart

This post is intended for my kids, not to be pity post.

(I am going to be putting my whole blog into a book for my kids using Blurb. Pretty neat site to make your own books at. I tried it out by making a Jeep Book for Brent. Turned out really neat.) Anyway...

Last night in the middle of the night we had a little situation. Emma woke up vomiting! I woke up Brent to get her and help her. Sorry Brent, that's just our life situation. Emma was crying, "I want my Mommy!" over and over.

Off and on I get stressed and frustrated about my condition. I realize there is nothing that can be done about it, and I need to work on accepting it in all situations, but still, it stresses me out. There is so much that I can't do physically, or I have great difficulty with. You guys pretty much know those things I can't do because you need to be big kids and help me out all the time with them. And there are things Daddy has to help me with, or Grandma or C. (my home health aid). The absolute worst and hardest for me to accept is not being able to help you guys in the middle up the night when you are sick, or just need a hug and a bottle to get back to sleep. In the day time when I'm in my chair and you get hurt, at least someone can bring you to me. Or if you're sick I can somewhat help you get cleaned up and comfort you. Sure, at night if I was able to do it all myself, I would be gagging just like Daddy. I can't stand puke almost as much as Daddy can't. As it is, it would be a lot more work for Daddy to get me up, and he'd still have to help out with you. It just breaks my heart to have to lay in bed helpless listening to you crying and Daddy crabbing about having to deal with it all. I'm sure, just because it's in a mother's nature to be the comforter, I will never be able to accept that I can't be there for you in the night. Sure, you will grow out of the need for help in the night, but I think I will always carry that horrible feeling that I have of not being able to help you in the night with me to my grave.

Now, I need to list some of the things that I am thankful for that I can do with you, so that this is not a pity post. I am very thankful that I have the brains to be able to teach you and help you with you homework. I love enjoying the outdoors with you, like going around the block, watching you guys have fun on the four-wheelers, riding bike and all the other crazy things you do outside. I'm thankful that we can play board games and sometimes the Wii together. I'm most thankful for, and the best part of being you mom is being able to just talk and laugh and pray together.

Feb 2007 110

Picture of us all when Anna was born in Feb, '07. We really need to get an updated family picture.


Damama T said...

Even us able-bodied moms carry some deep regrets that can never be erased. It is part of what makes us mothers: we want to be able to always do the very best for our babies, but in the end we are just human beings with faults and failings and the best we can do is the best we can do. I am still blown away by your courage "under fire." Your children will surely grow up to be some truly strong and fine adults. How could they not be with the wonderful example you are setting. xoxoxo

Lisa said...

Damama T:

Elizabeth said...

Your "books" for your children will be a precious your words are for me. You are an example to me of courage and strength. Thank you for blogging!
Pax Christi, EJT